Edel Grace

Programmer, Developer, Enthusiast


I Want to be In Love

Jul 24, 2018 | Comments

Tamen De Gushi, Chapter 124

I was scrolling through Tumblr when I saw that one of my friends had posted a comic strip from a Chinese comic that I used to follow. It’s called Tamen De Gushi or in English, Their Story. The comic follows two girls, Sun Jing and Qiu who fall in love and start dating. Overall, the comic is very sweet, uplifting, and wholesome. It features small daily interactions like offering each other an umbrella, eating spicy noodles, doing homework together, etc. My friend added a comment to this comic strip: “I want to be in love.”

While I did chuckle and initially was like, “Yes, same!” the more I thought about it, the more I realized I don’t like that thinking.

You hear about being in love with idea of being in love all the time. Just a couple of weeks ago one of my friends said, “I just want to cuddle with someone.” I recently posted something on Tumblr about wanting to hold hands with someone. In Mitski’s latest single (which I am obsessed with right now), Nobody, she sings that she “just need(s) someone to kiss.” It’s everywhere.

I don’t want to fall in love just for the sake of falling in love. I used to joke, “I could fall in love with anyone.” But I think I could, and should, do better than that.

A couple of days ago, one of my friends was badgering me about my relationships. “What’s the status with you and X? Have you hung out with Y lately? Are you still single? Voluntarily or because of circumstances?”

It was at that moment that I made a decision. I turned to him and said, “I’m just going to be single for a bit and stop looking.”

He nodded sagely. “It took three years for one of my friends in England to come to that conclusion.”

So yeah. That’s my current situation. I’m not looking for love. I don’t want to idealize it. Additionally, I’ll try not to push it away if it somehow comes my way.

Be My Dearest, First on Earth

May 5, 2014 | Comments

I’m still waiting to fall in love with a book. I want to open it and never want to put it down ever again. I want to find myself in it. I want it to drag out the dark from inside of me and then I want it to tell me that it’s okay and to list all the things that are good about me. I want to read it and never look at life and humanity the same way again. And not for an hour, not for day, not for a month, not for a year, but for the rest of my life. I want to be able to read it again and again and each time it will be different but each time it will become even more beautiful than before. I want it to become familiar, so familiar that I could just know the amount of times the word “the” appears on page 86 but every time I quote a line from memory, it will read with a new meaning.

I say I’m waiting to fall in love with a book but I think I’m just waiting to fall in love with a person.

In all seriousness though, I really want a book (an actual book) to grab me. The closest thing I’ve come to one is Villette by Charlotte Bronte. I love that book. I’ve sadly only read it once but I now I feel like I should read it again.

Even now, the mere mention of the name “Lucy” evokes a pang of pain and sympathy (and no, not because of Lucy Stillman even though I do feel pain at the sound of her name but that’s a different kind of pain).

Lucy is an ironic name. “Light,” The first thing you see in a new morning. Hope. Optimism. No, Lucy has no hope and her life is a pessimist’s dream (or rather, nightmare). Her last name says more about her than her first: Snowe. “Cold.” Lifeless. But at the same time snow is white: pure and innocent.

While I wouldn’t say she’s entirely innocent or pure, there’s still something beautifully naive about her. Her isolated nature brings out a sort of awkwardness. She pores herself into her books, makes believe that her unrequited love might just love her back (all the while knowing that he doesn’t), indulges in her isolation, doesn’t allow herself to feel true anger at the mere child who stole her unrequited love from her, reason destroys her because she feels like she is just a tool to be used by others, reason doesn’t allow her to enjoy life because she knows there isn’t much to enjoy, and there’s just so much about Lucy Snowe that is beautiful.

And then there was that rare event when someone fell in love with her and she fell in love back. Someone who didn’t find her as an odd girl but was in love with her Protestant quirks, her quick wit, and her abundant knowledge. They planned to get married but her lover is swept away by the sea.

How tragic. How utterly tragic. Lucy, there is no hope for you.

Me she had forgotten. I was changed too; though not, I fear, for the better. I made no attempt to recall myself to her memory: why should I?

I would have given two francs for the chance of getting that book once into my hands, turning over the sacred yellow leaves, ascertaining the title, and perusing with my own eyes the figments which, as an unworthy heretic, it was only permitted me to drink in with my bewildered ears.

I suppose he regarded my silences as eccentric.

This hag, this Reason, would not let me loop up, or smile, or hope: she could not rest unless I were altogether crushed, cowed, broken-in, and broken-down. According to her, I was born only to work for a piece of bread, to await the pains of death, and steadily all life to despond. Reason might be right.

‘I believe if you had been a boy, Lucy, instead of a girl – my mother’s god-son instead of god-daughter – we should have been good friends.

‘You are good, you are beautiful; but you are not mine.’

‘I live in solitary.’
‘But solitude is sadness.’
‘Yes; it is sadness. Life, however, has worse than that.’

Conversations Over Text Messages

May 2, 2014 | Comments

Long weird sappy feelings. So much sap and cheese and this sounded better in my head because I kinda read it in a certain way. Man, I just don’t know. Also, for the love of gulay, the end of a line does not mean “pause.” Punctuation means “pause.” Yes, you’re supposed to run out of breath (I’m kinda slightly asthmatic though, so).

i’m sorry,

but i won’t ever text you again

and i hope you never text me again either.

usually i love communication that doesn’t involve me

actually speaking but with you, it’s different.

there’s a disconnect.

a disconnect between you and your words, your words

that appear in the form of pixels

and not in the form of your voice

it just doesn’t feel like you.

it feels strange and foreign

it’s like a translator sucked away your personality

and in their place put in words that barely make sense

even though when i’m speaking to you

your accent is thick and heavy and

your words still don’t really

make sense to me but at least it’s you.

and one of my favourite things about you

is the way you talk.

you talk with your face.

your lips mischievously curl upwards and

they push out at certain syllables and

in moments of confusion your brows furrow and

your lips purse and

when you’re not talking, you look at me so intently

and so full of purpose like

“i’m listening to you and by god i will listen to you.”

even though i’m sure you’re just

being polite and don’t actually think that but i guess

you’re just that convincing.

and it’s weird because my anxiety is worse

when i’m texting you, even when just

the thought of talking to people face to face

shakes me so bad to the point where i feel like

i don’t want to live anymore, or

i don’t deserve to live anymore, or

i don’t even have the ability to live normally anymore.

and even though i feel that way before talking to you,

it disappears as soon as i say “hi”

and with others it lasts until they’re out of the room

and i’m in at bed at night where i pick

apart my words and use them to pick apart my mind

and i wish i knew why.

but i guess the point is,

i’m sorry.

but let’s never text again.

2 Finals Down, One More to Go

Dec 15, 2013 | Comments

I’m done all the finals that I’m mostly concerned about. Ok, I’m also concerned about CPSC 231 but not as much as I was about the other two. The main reason why I’m concerned about it? I don’t want to let senpai down. Lame, I know. Super lame. But I don’t want to look like an idiot in front of him! It’s a super easy course and if I screw it up, it’s super embarrassing!

I also got a haircut that I didn’t really like and I don’t want to face senpaiiiiii. I guess I’ll tie it up or something.

Senpai no. :( I don’t want you to notice me!

Not So Subtle

Dec 12, 2013 | Comments

That moment when your TA is looking at you not so subtly. Or maybe I just have sucky peripheral vision. WOW I really hope the latter is not the case. Man, my heart is so doki doki when I think about him. Much dork. :(


A photo of me

My name is Edel Grace Altares. My programming interests include full stack development and back end development. My languages of choice are Python and Java. Outside of programming I enjoy crocheting, video games, cats, historical fiction, and reading.